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SIX ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD USES FOR UNICORNS
By Mythological Mimi

Dear Mythological Mimi-

Not long ago, my dear Great Aunt Betty passed away. While I wasn't particularly close to her, we did share a love of rainbows, puppies and sparkles. I assume this commonality was behind her reasoning to will me her beloved collection of unicorns. However, I find myself completely at a loss when it comes to what to do with them. I don't have any flaxen haired maidens at hand, nor any honorable knights searching for quest. I'm completely at a loss! Should I bite the bullet and toss them in the thrift shop bin?

Nonplussed in Nantucket

Dear Nonplussed,

Unicorns, long since known for a top notch source of antidotes, aphrodisiacs, and dragon defense have sometimes been considered quaint, outmoded or even imaginary in today's world. Well...bah on them! Here, I have collected just a few modern and everyday uses for unicorns:



Ring Toss!



Impressing your boss!



Cocktail Pick!



Impressing your grandma!



Narwhal impersonation!



Impressing your dog!

Readers with more helpful unicorn tips may write (delivered by owl, fairy or intergalactic starcraft only please!) to:

Mythological Mimi
777 Cottingley Way
Ham-on-Rye, Opensmouth 12345

This post brought to you by therealljidol!

Hokay, and I just spent a couple sleepy hours reading wank at therealljidol.

skljfmnf .__.

I don't spend enough time in the green room, and I pretty much missed everything so I don't know what to say. I wouldn't have even known about it if it weren't for my f-list.

I just...I love you guys. Even on days you might not love yourself. ♥

The Whine of the Phoenix

Let me tell you this: immortality ain't all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. I'd trade a few thousand years and a couple of ancient scarabs that'd make the director of Smithsonian wet their knickers just for a few days with opposable thumbs.

Take the lock on my cage for example. A half-witted baby chimpanzee could figure it out. Turn the latch like so just a hair to the left, then twist that doohicky to the right, slide open the thingabob, and bam. Freedom, baby!

But no. Ra, in all of his infinite, heliotropic wisdom, figured I wouldn't need a way to finagle my way out of a hole-in-the-wall, not-particularly-legal exotic pet shop. So I'm stuck here with a bunch of twittering cockatiels until another cooing old lady pokes her finger at me and says "I think I saw this one on Wild Kingdom."

Sure lady. You saw me on a television show. Me, the legendary avian symbol of eternal rebirth. In fact, I bet you saw me burst into flames right next to a hyena's den.

"Say, what's the lifespan of this breed?"

I've been pooping on newspapers since before you were born, darling. I've seen the assassinations of Archdukes and the great stock market crash all from under my tailfeathers. I've outlived half a dozen of you grannies.

"What a lovely birdy."

Sure, I could incinerate my current incarnation and be born anew in the ancient City of the Sun, but do you know what a headache inter-dimensional and pan-chronistic travel is these days? If someone sees you, you're liable to be hunted down by loonies and stalkers. Look at poor Yeti.

Or worse, I could be trapped by a bunch of scholars who have nothing better to do than to poke at me all day and fill up thousands of detailed scrolls on my behavior and physiology. Took centuries to live down, last time that happened. Good riddance, Library of Alexandria!

Sure, they sell the immortality thing pretty hard around here. Be a good person, live forever. But trust me, it gets old. Real old. In fact, you're practically the only being that doesn't get old. But at least the food's decent. Spray millet beats sacrificed Sphinx meat any day. And after a few millennia of adventuring with mythological heroes, it's kinda nice to just perch on a rod and peck at your own reflection for a while.

In fact, forget I ever said anything. It's cool. I'm just a pretty bird from South America, Africa or thereabouts.

Take me home and call me Polly. They'll even throw in a free bag of seed.

Like most of my posts these days, this is brought to you by therealljidol! >>;

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Day 1 Ooooh, a new topic. Breaking the Fast? I can do a lot with this one, it's gonna be fun!

Day 2 I could post awesome pancake recipes, or do a little dance about bacon and eggs, I could--

Day 3 Yes, I'll get to it right after this mound of homework, picking up the extra shift at work, picking my goldfish up from school and thoroughly flossing my toenails.

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This entry brought to you by therealljidol . Vote for me!!! XD

Also, Cat is not responsible for any scary services the number above may offer.  IT IS ALL A LIE!!! >>

Not so long ago, one of my dearest pals went to Japan to teach English. She is having a great time, meeting tons of awesome people and getting to see a ton of jealous-making sights all over Asia.

She's also become my personal importer of kawaii socks, cute stationary, delicious Japanese candy and Engrish.

Engrish, if you don't know, is one of the best things to happen to translation evar.

It's what happens when poorly made translation software is depended on by people who don't really speak English very well. A lot of it happens in Japan, but it's kind of a global phenomenon! It even happens in English speaking countries, when people get tattoos or wear shirts of languages they don't speak. Heck, there's also a website for Engrish-in-reverse --people who don't read Chinese trying to use it because they think it looks cool.

Since I very much heart the funny and odd things bad translation does to English, I had to try my own! So a few English proverbs and a few run-throughs of Babelfish (sometimes to Japanese and back to English, sometimes to Japanese and then to Italian and then to Greek and then back to English. Whatever it took!) later, and I have me some mangled proverbs ready to be embroidered into your favorite dish towels.


Original: The early bird catches the worm.
Engrishified: Morning shift hen will get worms.

( CLICK AT HERE FOR MANY HEART SMILES AND SUCCESS )

BONUS! POST YR FINEST ENGRISH EXAMPLES IN THE COMMENTS, IF YA GOT 'EM!

This post brought to you by week eleventysomething of therealljidol!

Ho boy!

Results 1 - 10 of about 2,830 for "THE BEST NEUROSCIENCE STUDY GUIDE EVER (BECAUSE IT HAS CATS)".

It's prolly already dying down, but I totally missed it becoming an internet mini-phenomenon! XD It's on twitter and reddit too, it looks like! ZOMG AAAAH! Welcome, internet! Don't mind the various craft projects all over the floor, and just step around any glittery badgers sniffing around. ♥

And I've already used 25% of my bandwidth limit on the emergency Photobucket I made five hours ago. ><;

EXAM FINISHED!
HOMEWORK DONE!
PAPER TURNED IN!

Tonight, I am gonna cozy up with some good musics, my quilt and catch up with LJ Idol and my friends list. It's been foreverrrr since I've had the time!!! ><;

What the heck have you been up to, dearios?

I am in class. I am not paying very much attention to the teacher. >>; I might actually get my LJ Idol entry done thanks to the lovely...

♥ ♥ ♥ zia_narratora!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

who is a WINNER and is totally helping out and I can't even express my gratitude without exploding into countless bits of glitter

Yeppp, next time I've got two assignments due, an exam and work all weekend? I really gotta start on this earlier!!

-_-

The first thing you learn when you move to the midwest is how to drive in the winter. The roads get bad there, they tell you. Slick as an ice rink on a rainy day. There'll come a time when you need to get through it. To make that appointment, to get to work, to drop the kids off. They don't close the schools here too often.

So you learn where to buy your snow tires and you learn to change gears. You learn to carry cat litter in your car, to sprinkle under the tires when your car won't budge. And against all your better judgement, you learn to turn into the slide. Let it take you. If you try to fight it, a simple skid will put you into a spin-out. Land in the ditch, or worse. Remember the rules. And never, ever panic.

This winter's a real killer, they say. The plows can't keep up. It all just blows back onto the highway. Just moved here this summer? There's some ugly luck. Don't worry, though. The first one's always the worst one.

When they finally close the roads, you live in a glass-domed snow globe. A cute little village house nestled in drifts of frost-capped pines. The swirl of plastic snow bits, sloshed about by an angry god or maybe just a slightly bored child. Nobody's getting out for a while.

You turn on your porch lamp and the string of Christmas lights you've still not taken down. They blush like halos in the white-out conditions, the only lights for miles. You can't go anywhere. There's no cars on the roads. Only snow and the deer with their nervous, graceful step.

The only channels you can get show reruns and old movies. Clint Eastwood on one channel, earthquakes and wildfires and tsunamis on the other. Eventually, even the phone goes out. You could be the last somebody on earth. And, as far as being the last member of a dying species is concerned, this is absolutely dead boring.

You remember something you heard once, about how the earth is like the baby bear's porridge in Goldilocks: not too hot, not too cold. Just right. For life, for humans, for art and science and knowledge and breath. A tiniest click of the thermostat either way will send us all into peril. Earthquakes, wildfires, tsunamis.

"Some say the world will end in ice."

You look out the frozen windows of your snow-globe home and remember the punch-line to the joke.

"But nobody told me it would be this week."




(My fantabulous partner for this week was pixie117. You can read her post right here! And since this is a current events topic, well..XD. I live in the frozen north. This week has been in the negatives and single digits most of the week. And they really do close the roads if it gets too bad! See this article for proof!)